A heartfelt message to 3FTL from Bill
They got the best of me. They lied to me, telling me things like I am a failure.
The people that I love hate me. I am worthless and not worth the air I breathe. They pushed me to a place that I am no longer recognizable to my friends, my family or even myself. They took control of me. They drove me to a place that I never thought I would find myself; alone at 1 AM in a closet with my gun and the desire to end my life. I picked out the bullet that would end my pain. I loaded into the chamber and sat there for two long hours telling myself that it will be ok.
The thoughts screaming in my head to do it.
It will be over in a second. I wouldn’t even realize what happened. I would stop over thinking things. No more anxiety. I wouldn’t hurt others with my words. I wouldn’t feel the pain of disappointment due to my actions anymore. My family will be in a better place without me. My kids will get over the fact that their dad killed himself. I can do it; I can pull the trigger.
The thoughts screaming louder…DO IT, PULL IT YOU COWARD!!! So, I did it…
I put the gun DOWN.
I was now dealing with the shame of my thoughts and actions. I had to tell someone what I was going through, what I experienced that night in the closet. I had to be vulnerable and ask for help. I reached out to a friend in the department who I knew would be able to get me the assistance I needed. He got me in contact with Jennifer Halley. She went through a life altering traumatic event that caused her to realize there was a need for a program that helped people with PTSD.
Jennifer started 3FTL. She has assembled an amazing team of therapists and a doctor who knows how to deal with first responders and the mental and emotional strain that can come along with our career. They see and understand our struggles. 3FTL was there for me every step of the way to becoming a healthier person mentally and physically. Without them things would have not turned out so well for me.
Now let me introduce you to the real me. My name is Bill. I am still the one that people call during their darkest moments. I am still expected to save their day and have all the answers…. I still have thoughts, emotions and feelings. I am still capable of having moments where my emotions can lie to me. But now I have the ability to control them and not the other way around. I see the good in me. I now know myself worth.
I am alive today because I made the decision to reach out and admit that I needed help with my life. Don’t allow the lies of emotions to get the better of you. Don’t give in to the temptation to inflict harm to yourself. Make the choice to live a good life.”